Inhale The Future, Exhale The Past~ (Assalamu'alaikum 2022!)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... 

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah... All praise is to Allah... Thank you Allah for giving me chance once again with another year to go through with a new me, new life, and fresh starting of 2022... 

InShaa Allah ^^

The year 2021 has drawn the curtain and 2022 is coming. The more years have been passed, the shortening of our lifetimes (Hayat). It is almost the day of meeting the Creator. Therefore, this self must introspect on things that have passed in the previous year.

Here I am again, welcoming a New Year! 

So 2022, please be nice to me yaa~

(and to my beloved family and friends too yaa~)

Fuuuh~~ (exhaling) 

Actually, the 1st January 2022 is supposed to be my officially first entry to publish this "cheloteh" for starting my 2022. But there's a lot of challenging situations and things that need to be settled up first so yeah. Packed the old memory, open a new box for another new memory that will come along the way for the great adventurous journey. Talk about the past, it was something that made me who am I today, you and all kinds of the human being. A person who still stays alive even smiling for today after done and passed a bunch of genre's types of life's games. Level by level, time by time, day by day until a year by year. 

Hey you, congratulations! You made it! You doing great! (I told my reflection on the mirror everyday till today before starting my touch up, to cover my panda eyes lol 🙊)

I loved my past. I do!

I was born in a big family with colorful culture and tradition which also lives in different countries. But yeah, nothing is perfect, right? So do my family. I lived with my little simple family which is just me, Mama, Papa, and my baby boy (Now he is 20 years old 😂 a big boy already) in a small town in Sabah. In that place, everything just started. I and my little brother were raised in a way full of strict rules by Papa until I felt like I was a soldier at that time. Then, I passed my primary school, the secondary school then reached the point as a University's student and done my Diploma (An opening for my real big dilemma and that's how the time flies~)

At the end of 2018, it's the end of my Diploma year and a moment where the reality hit me so much as a young person. It's a big opening for my first chapter to begin the subtitle of "The Mission and Vision of life as an adult" in my own life's history book. 

The early step is about my occupation. Yup, the struggling to find a good job that could match my standard (not so demanding too) but at least goes with my education level (Diploma). I am not alone, but I am with my besties. After comes with so many ways, interviews and so on~ Finally, I got my first job! As an education consultant for a private college (not to mention here). And because my workplace is far from home, I need to go out and stay near to my workplace which is, centralized in a small town. So, I rent a little room that could be enough, cozy, and comfortable for me. But, that's not how easy the process is. There were acute chronic situations that poked my anxious, depression and anxiety come up. Mental breakdown~ Especially where my Papa got sick and I had no choice but to boost my maximum power to help my family. Pushed me to be stronger and be more mature than before, keep showing a smiley face (sometimes being fake happy go lucky persona~ mature right?), and be okay with everything (while not okay and cannot accept all the things). Giving up? It does keep playing in my head but again, I passed that tough year till coming to another year of 2019 with new more challenging situations (fuuh~,~)

In 2019, it was a year to improvise my working skills in a private company and mostly being like "Bidan Terjun" (lol 🙊) such as Graphic Designer, Coordinator of Tourism Management and Business Development Manager after showing a 'Great Performance' as an Education Consultant (well, it's about Marketing skills and being so multitasking~). In short, my first journey in the first company not going so well because of their burden rules and demand that was too much. While they couldn't pay their staff salary and kept saying sweet promises for almost a year. That pressure makes me and my friends that work at the same company, stop the productions and pushed them to pay our salary before we bring that issue to court (so serious hah~ it just a threat for them😂). 1st December 2019 is my last day in that company after giving my shocking resignation letter without following the term and conditions which is also a day after I received my payment (Hit them so good~😌). But before that, I've been prepared an umbrella before it rains, for me and my fellow friends by applying to another new private marketing company, which is organized by a super wiser CEO. He is also a Doctor. Alhamdulillah, it does help us and gives a fresh vibe to start 2020. It is a great pleasure to be a part of this second company in my experience even it's not so big and perfect open company, but they give love and cares that provided us support with unbroken spirit so why should we leave it, right? (Hint: Company name starting with Infinity 🙊)

Before the end of the year, not so long in Infinity's company, I've got an interview from The Public Services Commission of Malaysia with the position offered as Administration Assistant Officer in Medical Record. It was a big opportunity for me to get that offered. While there were so many young people out there wish to pass the difficult exam and wait for an interview. 

Unfortunately, in the middle of the year 2020, it was a sad moment for me, my fellow friends, and of course with the company. Yeah, it means that I passed the interview and it also means that my journey in Infinity is going to be 'paused' for a while ( it's not an ending for us 😭). Alhamdulillah, it was great news for all of us at that time, especially for my little family. So yeah, we have a great farewell party, small gifts, and speech as a usual party with emotions of course 😭. It's an eyes raining moment. The email of me passing the exam and getting an offer with a permanent position is something like a lightful life going to come for me and my little cutey family. Alhamdulillah. 

"Hey you, yes you new place. Here, I come to face you!" 

3 June 2020, another new chapter of a new place begins. During the pandemic, it does a bit different and challenging situations but, I need to be prepared and adapt to it. Felt scared, nervous, and homesickly attacked me. But, I need to stay, be strong and brave, also kept reminding myself about my 'goals' and my reasons why I'm here. 

However, coming 2021, it's a dark year of my soul. Where I felt like the Pendulum of the Dunya just hit me, broke my heart, and kill my soul. Where my body felt like floating in the middle of the Black Sea alone, with no buoy, no safety tools... It is just me with wide dark skies. All darker things and negative thoughts come to me non-stop every night, added with a toxic environment at my workplace. And once again, depressions reached me and being my best friend... Sleeping pills needed, morning's motivation every day kept replaying in my mind to start my day, and 'Money' being my mastermind. I felt lost for no more reasons. 

Burned out? Exhausted? Nope... I'm just TIRED. 

I tired from everything that I couldn't specify it 😣. Dunya was my top priority and I realized that was not right. But, my life kept pushing me to work and gain more money and it is because I need to. Even though, I've done my first goals. Loan a house by my name, but still I need money for the commitment I had, and I had a lot of responsibilities that depends on me. I had no choice and I was alone. Almost every morning I kept sighing, questioning, and complaining about my life. Always questioned on "I'm still young, why me?" and "how about my real dream then?". Give up? I do. Every time my anxious feeling come up, I felt dying and almost ended up my life. Just to kill my pain, kill my loss, kill my depression, and all the things about my life. My health? Not so good. My routines messed up. Solah? Not well maintained. And that is the very big reason why I'm being like this. Yeah, that is me, a missing soul. 

Fuuuh~(exhaling and letting go)

Now, here I am. From a little brave girl transformed into a big strong woman (Inshaa Allah). Stand still with brand new resolutions by my little old kintsugi heart that has been done the colorful journey. Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah 😭 ya Rabb... 

My long "cheloteh" is only about working journey right? Haha. Because its give a big impact on my life and help me grow up to the glow up 🤭. That is the reality of this Dunya, where we will all face the hardships in life. And so, we need to istiqomah by standing strong in the right path by taking all the possible permissible means that could solve our problems and making countless supplications to Allah S.W.T. to remove these difficulties. 

Accept with facts and let go of your worries with a sincere heart. 

~ (deep inhaling the future~) 

Hey future, may we have a good connection ya. See ya on to the next expressions. Inshaa Allah. 

Spread L. O. V. E. ❤️

Ms. ناوا

Aku Seorang Penulis Bebas